Sure he’s gone now, but I think John McGuirk was the wisest of us all. To showcase his wisdom, I have assembled some of his most important teachings here in this post. Read them. Live them.
On Soccer
Brendon: Why aren’t you coaching?
Coach McGuirk: I’m letting Drew run the practice. That’s what assistant coaches are for, running the practice.
Brendon: Yeah, I guess.
Coach McGuirk: Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry.
Brendon: You know, the team really seems to like him.
Coach McGuirk: And getting me food…
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: Buying me lottery tickets…
Coach McGuirk: [drunk] You wanna know something? *Anyone* can become a soccer coach. Like, they don’t regulate. Like you have to get a degree, right? So you’re qualified.
Nurse Kirkman: Yes… I do have a degree.
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, I’m not. You can become coach, of a sport that you don’t care about, you don’t know how to play, you’re not good with kids. But I have had the job for three years. You’d think that they would check up but they don’t.
Coach McGuirk: All right, listen up, that was a good game. We all showed up, and I’m proud of that.
Melissa Robbins: Coach McGuirk, I was just wondering how come they cancelled the game after ten minutes?
Coach McGuirk: Well, because we were losing by 20 goals, Melissa. It’s called the Slaughter Rule. You know, Melissa, if we played the full game, we probably would have lost by a hundred goals. I don’t know why I’m saying “we”. I wasn’t out there running around like it was the first time I ever used my legs! Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: Okay!
Coach McGuirk: You know, it’s like when they stop a boxing match because the guy’s bleeding too much, you know, all cut up. Only this was worse. I mean, fractured jaws get wired shut; broken noses become badges of courage… Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: [whispers] … okay.
Coach McGuirk: Melissa, get in there and replace Janeane.
Melissa Robbins: Coach, my arm’s broken, remember?
Coach McGuirk: Your *arm* is protected by a cast. It’s safer than it was before, now get in there.
“Actually, soccer is not the only thing I teach. Soccer is fall and winter. I also have a spring sport, which is also soccer, but they’re seperated, so I guess I only teach soccer”
“Why am I coaching soccer? And why am I not coaching public speaking?!? Because that’s all you people do is public speak!!!”
Coach: “How come you never carried me off the field?”
Brendon: “We tried, but you were too big”
Coach: “What?”
Brendon: “I mean…you were too drunk”
Coach: “Yes. Yes I was. And I’ll tell you something, Brendon, I am everyday. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carry me off the field.”
On Women
“Women are like men, but men are nothing like women”
“Women are an interesting bunch. I’ll make an analogy here, they’re like grapes. Thats all I’ve got, really. You see, I said bunch, so I thought of grapes. If I had said women are an interesting group..I would’ve thought of grapes as well.”
“Well, I thought it went pretty well, except for the part where my credit card was turned down, which I thought was funny, but you didn’t”
“Hi. I’m John McGuirk, and I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the type that is still watching this tape. I also have a very nice car, although technically I don’t have legal access to it at this time.”
“That was straight down the middle, sir! Like a bead of sweat trickling down between a woman’s….”
“Is feltonsnakedmom.com taken?”
Coach McGuirk: Brendon there’s nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.
Coach McGuirk: [being examined by the nurse] Lady, you can come on to me all you want. I’m gonna say no every time.
Brendon: [discussing his dad's new girlfriend] I dunno, Coach, I just don’t like her.
Coach McGuirk: Why, she ugly or something?
Brendon: Oh, no! No, not at all! In fact, she’s gorgeous!
Coach McGuirk: Really?
Brendon: Yeah, she could be like in a magazine or something!
Coach McGuirk: [intrigued] What, like a DIRTY mag?
Brendon: Uh, no. More like one of those model magazines.
Coach McGuirk: [disappointed] Oh.
On Personal Health
Brendon: “Hey, Coach, how are you doing?”
Coach McGuirk: “Well, I just drank pee. How are you doing?”
“So I got drunk, and I went into the parlor and said “Give me a picture of that cow on the cheese ‘cuz I love that cheese. Give me that cow on that cheese”. See this? That’s right it’s the bannana lady from the bannanas. I get drunk one night, and now my body looks like a grocery store. Dont get a tattoo. Play soccer.”
“This is your intervention, Brendon. Come on, people, intervene, I don’t really know how these things work. What are you looking at me for? That’s it. Intervention over. Brendon, get off the drugs.”
Coach McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old… This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.
Coach McGuirk: Brendon, I know something is going on.
Brendon: Nothing is going on, Coach McGuirk.
Coach McGuirk: Hey, I said something’s going on, now let me tell you a story, all right? About me. I once went astray myself.
Brendon: I am not astray.
Coach McGuirk: Shut up and listen, Brendon. And learn.
Brendon: Okay.
Coach McGuirk: Now when I was in college I went through some weird times…
Brendon: I didn’t know you went to college.
Coach McGuirk: A couple of days I did. Alright, and I ran with a gang. The gang was called the Feelgoods. It wasn’t the toughtest gang in the world… it was more like running with the cast of a broadway musical. Very annoying. Alot of freaky interpretive dance stuff – beads, makeup – in other words *drugs*, Brendon.
Brendon: Coach McGuirk, I am *not* doing drugs.
Coach McGuirk: You don’t remember the Feelgoods, Brendon?
Brendon: Am I…
Coach McGuirk: Huh?
Brendon: No!
Coach McGuirk: Is that it?
Brendon: What?
Coach McGuirk: Denial is the first sign that you’ve got a problem, Brendon.
Brendon: No it’s not. Denial is the first sign that I *don’t* have a problem. That’s why I’m denying it.
Coach McGuirk: That doesn’t work that way, Brendon. You can’t fool me with your logic. If you’re denying doing it that means you’re doing it.
Brendon: You mean like, uh, “He who smelt it dealt it”?
Coach McGuirk: I don’t know from poetry, Brendon. But if you’re doing drugs, you’re doing drugs and that’s bad.
Brendon: But I’m not doing anything.
Coach McGuirk: Well you’re doing this!
Brendon: [sigh] Mr. Freckles again?
Coach McGuirk: Hey, he who’s late cleans Mr. Freckle’s crap. Alright, bring it in!
Melissa Robbins: Coach McGuirk, what’s the matter? You don’t look so good. Are you on another bender?
Coach McGuirk: Where’d you learn that word, Melissa?
Melissa Robbins: From you.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, right.
Coach McGuirk: I can’t sleep, I have insomnia.
Melissa Robbins: What’s that?
Coach McGuirk: You don’t know what insomnia is?
Melissa Robbins: No.
Coach McGuirk: It’s when you can’t sleep.
Melissa Robbins: Did you try lying on your bed and, you know, having your eyes closed and just relaxing?
Coach McGuirk: Oh, that’s genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you’re saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you’re saying, Melissa? Good. ‘Cause it’s brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you’ll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep,
[shouts]
Coach McGuirk: is lie in your bed*!
Melissa Robbins: All right! Coach, I was just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: I’m sorry, Melissa, I didn’t mean to snap at you, all right? It’s just that I haven’t slept in four nights, all right? Then I’ve got you peeping in my ear about stretching.
Melissa Robbins: I’m just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: Like every other woman in my life!
Coach McGuirk: Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker.
Coach McGuirk: It tastes like pee turkey!
Coach McGuirk: Do you wanna know what a real rash is?
Brendon: No.
Coach McGuirk: I’ll tell you. You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that you go blind. That’s how bad it is. You blow up like a balloon, you look like a circus freak, you know what I’m talking about?
Brendon: No.
Coach McGuirk: Next thing you know, you’re in the circus, touring, making good money.
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: You know my life.
Coach McGuirk: Rashes come from bad hygiene, all right? So what you’ve gotta do, whenever you go to a public restroom, and you sit on a toilet seat, put the toilet seat cover down. And if they don’t have them there, manufacture one out of toilet paper, or your shirt, or your socks. Anything to cover the seat.
Coach McGuirk: Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I’m eating that there’s about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever’s on the TV, whatever’s in the paper. Then I walk outside and it’ll be a nice day. Well that’s great that’s a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I… you apparently can’t play music after 6:00 pm… in this country
On the Education of Children
Coach McGuirk: Life sucks, Brendon. That’s your lesson. Go enjoy it.
Coach McGuirk: I’ve been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia.
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: And South America, I haven’t been to there yet.
“Look at him out there, so small, so defenseless, he’s like a chipmunk, with a disease… who didn’t like that analogy?”
Clarice: Why is he calling you Coach McGuirk?
Coach McGuirk: I don’t know. He’s probably *retarded*
Coach McGuirk: Who wrote the Gettysburg Address?
Brendon: Nixon!
Coach McGuirk: That’s right!
Brendon: Coach, do you think I’m stupid?
Coach McGuirk: Of course you’re stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.
Coach McGuirk: Brendon, Melissa… Jason?
Melissa Robbins: Yeah?
Brendon: Yeah?
Coach McGuirk: Is that his name?
Melissa Robbins: Mmhmm.
Coach McGuirk: A tornado is coming.
Brendon: Coach, are you crying?
Coach McGuirk: No I’m not crying.
Melissa Robbins: Wait, Coach, a tornado is really coming?
Coach McGuirk: Yes, that’s what the radio said, “There’s a tornado coming.” So I’m going to stay down here with the baby; you guys go up stairs and play.
Melissa Robbins: Shouldn’t we stay down here with you…
Coach McGuirk: No. It’s not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: But I thought you’re suppose to go…
Coach McGuirk: No! The rule is Melissa, you separate.
Melissa Robbins: Are you sure?
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone’s separated then it’s like a fun ride. But, if you’re all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die.
Coach McGuirk: Remember what I told you about Area 51.
Brendon: Yeah, it’s where they store the frozen bodies of the aliens that landed on earth.
Coach McGuirk: What about Area 52?
Brendon: It’s where they store the frozen bodies of the illegal aliens.
Coach McGuirk: Very good. It’s also a porn movie.
Coach McGuirk: Brendan, let’s get out of here.
Brendon: Why? I have to study…
Coach McGuirk: ‘Cause they’re not like us here. Brendan, we’re different, we’re not studiers. We’re not the worker ants. We’re the queens! You and me are the queen bees!
“I swear to god, I’m gonna come down hard on you on Monday. It’s gonna be like a friggin’ hurricane!”
“Anything too hard in life is never worth doing”.
“Are you trading on-line, Brendan? Are you? Because if you are, I want in on it…”
Poetry
“Something, something, something run. Something, something, something sun”
Coach McGuirk: [reading Fenton's birthday invite] “Jolly jeepers / Ain’t it great? / Fenton Mulley’s turning eight / Eat some ice-cream / Eat some cake / Jolly jeepers / Ain’t it great?” Wow. That’s awful.
Coach McGuirk: I’ll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I’ll race / To feel alive / And I’ll race / To feel like I own this place / And I’ll race until I die / And I’ll race against the other racers / And I’ll race with one big shout / And I’ll race against the clock / And I’ll race against myself / And I’ll race / And I’ll race!
Coach McGuirk: Uh, this is a poem I call “New York Times”. New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you’re better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.
On Law and Order
Coach McGuirk: Remember, You made someone do something bad with swords.
Coach McGuirk: Hey, My Swords are worth more than all these foods combined.
Clerk: Yes, But we do not accept swords.
Coach McGuirk: Why don’t you accept swords?
Clerk: Let me ask my manager.
[Picks up Phone]
Clerk: Uh Yeah, Leo? *mumbles* call the cops.
Judge: Brendon, is this your guardian?
Brendon: I don’t know.
Coach McGuirk: Uh, John McGuirk, Your Honor.
Judge: Have I seen you in court before?
Coach McGuirk: Yes, several times, but that’s not important, sir. What’s important is that my retarded nephew is innocent.
Brendon: I’m NOT retarded.
Coach McGuirk: Yes you are, Brendon, now shut up. Uh, Your Honor, during the day of the accident, Brendon was suffering from a severe bout of, uh, mentally challenged… stuff.
Brendon: What are you doing?
Coach McGuirk: Mistrial, Brendon. Also, Your Honor, uh, Brendon was suffering from dementia, which, uh, was passed down to him from… me.
Judge: Now, wait, now…
Coach McGuirk: I don’t even know where I am right now, Your Honor.
Brendon: I got hit… I was hit by a car!
Judge: Now, you were hit by a… r-right. S-so what are you telling me here?
Coach McGuirk: Well, that Brendon was hit by a car, and that… that it was, uh, his fault.
Brendon: You’d make a FANTASTIC lawyer.
Judge: What I’m doing is deciding an appropriate punishment. That’s the phase of the trial right now.
Coach McGuirk: Your honour, might I suggest a spanking – on his tush-tush?
Coach McGuirk: [Brendan is being sent to a "Scared Straight" prison program] I’ve been to the can a few times, Brendan. That’s what we call it, the can. So when you’re there, you call it the can, all right?
Brendon: What do you call cans in prison?
Coach McGuirk: You mean like actual cans? Like food – cans of food?
Brendon: Yeah.
Coach McGuirk: Those are still cans.
“No, I’m not going to leave you out here. If I do that, I’ll probably get fired, and then I’ll do something stupid, and then I’ll go back to jail”
“Well, fighting is bad to begin with, right? So if you’re going to fight, you’re already wrong. I mean, you’re already at the party, so why not fight dirty?”
“Brendon, you’re a smart kid. You’re not a strong kid, you’re not a tough kid, but you’re smart. Fighting is a mental thing, it’s like a mental game, so you should use that. Say, for instance, I was in a fight, I might say “look over there”, and when the guy does, I’ll hit him”
Coach McGuirk: “I was in a fight last week”
Brendon: “With who?”
Coach: “You know Roger?”
Brendon: “Roger? The guy who plays forward? He’s got kind of a big mouth”
Coach: “Well, not anymore”
On Interpersonal Relationships
“Y’know, Naturally I’m not an angry person; just – I hate people, I hate my job, and, I hate my mother – I dunno, work with that.”
Coach McGuirk: [drunkenly] So I said to her “You want it clean? HUH? You want it CLEAN? YOU CLEAN IT! CLEAN IT YOURSELF! CLEAN IT YOURSELF!”… and I haven’t spoken to my mother since.
“Well, the coffee maker was on the fritz….so I pushed it out the window…onto your car.”
