When you have a child you hear a lot about television, and toys. Specifically how much, if any television, and the sort of learning toys or active toys that are appropriate for children. For the most part I would like to tell all those who have advice about these things to blot it out their ass (though I will be offering my own opinion here, duh. I should point out though that I have already blown it out my own ass, saving a step in the whole process. No need to thank me).

First television, or at least the television that was. I am not currently trying to keep my baby away from television, though I also don’t watch dumb-ass baby shows (with minor exceptions(Classical Baby).), so the baby has little interest in the television (though she loves end credits, for some reason). I do find most of the modern kids shows to be mind numbing, and there will be no Barney or the like going on in this house, but that isn’t to say that all things that were ever televised for kids is bad, and in some cases I think that having watched them I am a better person. several of these stick out so clearly in my mind that I think they are part of how I am today, good or bad. Thinking that I am good, however, these are the things I will expose my child to, in hopes that she develops memories of them like I have.

Schoolhouse Rock
There are a large number of these on the internet, but a few leap out as my favorites:

My Hero Zero

Three is a Magic Number

Conjunction Junction

Interjections!

Sesame Street
Have you watched any new Sesame Street episodes? They suck. Elmo should be beaten to death with a tire iron, for example. The classic episodes have a wealth of good stuff, though, and these are just a few of my fond memories from childhood.

Rubber Duckie

Pinball (favorite of all)

Ladybugs’ Picnic

The Alligator King

Commercials
I have always thought that most of the best of television was in the commercials, and here are some of my favorites from over the years.

I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing

Tootsie Pop (3!)

Tootsie Roll

I’m a Pepper

Mean Joe Green

Macintosh

Two All Beef Patties

Toys
Let me first say that I hate toys that make noise. I think they stifle the child by doing the work of the imagination are are just entertainment devices. I think that some of the educational toys are fine, but that for the most part they have a short useful life. I’m not sure if my girl child will react to toys in the same way as I did when I was a child, but I can only judge my own memories. When I think back, it wasn’t the flashing lights and real sound robot that was my favorite but rather some other classics.

Tinker Toys
I always wanted more of these than I had, and I never really got good at building with them, but loved them al the same.

Lincoln Logs
I actually already bought these for my daughter, and I played with them now, and enjoyed it. I am going to have to get more though because you need a lot of them if you want to build more than a simple building.

Erector Set
I never had one of these as a child, but wanted one, and now I am not an engineer, so I blame the fact that I was erector setless.

Legos
One can never have too many legos. Duplo or other large blocks are worthless though.

Barbie
I admit that I have never really played with Barbie, as I am all man, but they seem like a good toy, and it will encourage my daughter to be skinny and pretty at any cost

G.I.Joe
The big G.I. Joe is the perfect compliment to any Barbie doll, as he can go off and kill the enemy by day and return to Barbie’s home cooked meal in the evening.

I know that girls may not tend towards playing war, but even now I look at this Amazon search result and get excited.

Let the brainwashing commence.

I’ve had the iPhone for almost a week now, and I must say that it lives up to all the hype. It is far better than any similar device out there, and a real pleasure to use. Even AT&T’s Edge network is less awful than I expected, though being at home with the wifi is much better, of course. The real genius is not the individual application but rather the seamless ease of use of the thing as a whole. I can’t say enough about this thing. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

I also got the Garmin Nuvi 350 which seems similarly easy to use, though I haven’t had much of an opportunity to run it through its paces yet. Maybe this weekend I’ll try and go out for a drive and see how well it works.

This is my second post in as many weeks. Might be coming up on some kind of record.

Clicking on the pictures will take you to the photo set to see them all, if you run to that bent.

Merry Christmas to all of you, and best wishes for the holiday season.

First of all, how are you? It’s been a while since I have said anything here, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking of it.

Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, on to business.

I am currently working on the hardwood floor on the second floor. There is much of this to do, and it takes far longer than it seems like it should. I’m sure professionals would look at my work speed an laugh, but that is how it is, and I am doing it as well as my deteriorating body will allow. We are about a year and a few months behind on this, but that is how it goes sometimes. What is in now looks really sharp, and I think the whole project will be a success at the end, even if we did do the baseboards a little wrong. I’ll keep you updated on the project.

I am still as fat as ever, so no progress on that front.

My next project that I am just starting in on is the Wieland Archive. This will be housed at the appropriately named website and will contain a database of archival information. This will consist primarily of items my father has collected over the years, as well as pictures and letters. I think at the end the archive will contain in the area of 100,000 items or so. It may well be the most complete collection of anybodies life. Entering the information will take years, I suspect, so all the better to get started. I was thinking about using regular blogging software to handle all this, but have instead decided to create my own content management system to run it. It should be pretty lean, as few bells and whistles are needed, at least on the back end. I’ll still try and keep the front end pretty. I’ll let you know when the first version is up and running.

We got a 2005 Prius, and are quite happy with it in the first couple of weeks.

Over at EatMe I have put up the first part of my Thanksgiving dinner menu. I will try and get to the rest of it as soon as possible, for those of you who are interested.

I am currently running Firefox 3 alpha (which installs with the ominous name “Minefield”), and haven’t really have any trouble yet. The pages seem to load very fast, but aside from that there don’t seem to be many immediately noticeable changes, but of course most of my extensions failed to work. I am also running the new Thunderbird 2 Beta1. There are some front end changes in this one, and it seems to work well so far, but I am still very new to it. It is prettier for sure. They have also added tagging, which some people will love, but isn’t a feature I use all that much. I think Mail for the mac had it, but I don’t think I ever used it. My testing of MS Word 2007 continues, and I love it. It is really nice to use, and I may actually buy it when the beta runs out. I am going to download the new version of Open Office today, so I’ll be better able to compare.

Must watch more Christmas movies.

I’m generally a pretty nostalgic kind of guy, and this actually makes me sad to see. Be glad that you live in other parts of the country and don’t have to wander among the nearly empty isles. All that is left now are the bottom of the barrel books. All the books around the edges are gone, and only the center rows still have books in them. The staff is still trying to be helpful, but I can’t help but think that they can’t really care anymore. I felt like too much of a circling vulture to actually buy anything that day. It is too late to help now anyway. They are gone, but we’ll always have the memories.

I know it’s just a store, but it always seemed like it was my store.

Anyhoo.

How are you doing? I decided at the last minute to jump into NaNoWriMo this year. Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll fail miserably. I may not write at all.

In other, and more important, news, I have heard from inside source Commander Plaza, that there is a probable remake of Five Deadly Vemons (or Wu Du apparently) on the horizon. I couldn’t find the link he alluded to, but it is supposed to be somewhere on the Celestial films site. This would be big news for me, as it is my favorite of all kung fu films. I hope they do it up right.

On Soccer

Brendon: Why aren’t you coaching?
Coach McGuirk: I’m letting Drew run the practice. That’s what assistant coaches are for, running the practice.
Brendon: Yeah, I guess.
Coach McGuirk: Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry.
Brendon: You know, the team really seems to like him.
Coach McGuirk: And getting me food…
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: Buying me lottery tickets…

Coach McGuirk: [drunk] You wanna know something? *Anyone* can become a soccer coach. Like, they don’t regulate. Like you have to get a degree, right? So you’re qualified.
Nurse Kirkman: Yes… I do have a degree.
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, I’m not. You can become coach, of a sport that you don’t care about, you don’t know how to play, you’re not good with kids. But I have had the job for three years. You’d think that they would check up but they don’t.

Coach McGuirk: All right, listen up, that was a good game. We all showed up, and I’m proud of that.
Melissa Robbins: Coach McGuirk, I was just wondering how come they cancelled the game after ten minutes?
Coach McGuirk: Well, because we were losing by 20 goals, Melissa. It’s called the Slaughter Rule. You know, Melissa, if we played the full game, we probably would have lost by a hundred goals. I don’t know why I’m saying “we”. I wasn’t out there running around like it was the first time I ever used my legs! Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: Okay!
Coach McGuirk: You know, it’s like when they stop a boxing match because the guy’s bleeding too much, you know, all cut up. Only this was worse. I mean, fractured jaws get wired shut; broken noses become badges of courage… Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: [whispers] … okay.

Coach McGuirk: Melissa, get in there and replace Janeane.
Melissa Robbins: Coach, my arm’s broken, remember?
Coach McGuirk: Your *arm* is protected by a cast. It’s safer than it was before, now get in there.

“Actually, soccer is not the only thing I teach. Soccer is fall and winter. I also have a spring sport, which is also soccer, but they’re seperated, so I guess I only teach soccer”

“Why am I coaching soccer? And why am I not coaching public speaking?!? Because that’s all you people do is public speak!!!”

Coach: “How come you never carried me off the field?”
Brendon: “We tried, but you were too big”
Coach: “What?”
Brendon: “I mean…you were too drunk”
Coach: “Yes. Yes I was. And I’ll tell you something, Brendon, I am everyday. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carry me off the field.”

On Women

“Women are like men, but men are nothing like women”

“Women are an interesting bunch. I’ll make an analogy here, they’re like grapes. Thats all I’ve got, really. You see, I said bunch, so I thought of grapes. If I had said women are an interesting group..I would’ve thought of grapes as well.”

“Well, I thought it went pretty well, except for the part where my credit card was turned down, which I thought was funny, but you didn’t”

“Hi. I’m John McGuirk, and I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the type that is still watching this tape. I also have a very nice car, although technically I don’t have legal access to it at this time.”

“That was straight down the middle, sir! Like a bead of sweat trickling down between a woman’s….”

“Is feltonsnakedmom.com taken?”

Coach McGuirk: Brendon there’s nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.

Coach McGuirk: [being examined by the nurse] Lady, you can come on to me all you want. I’m gonna say no every time.

Brendon: [discussing his dad's new girlfriend] I dunno, Coach, I just don’t like her.
Coach McGuirk: Why, she ugly or something?
Brendon: Oh, no! No, not at all! In fact, she’s gorgeous!
Coach McGuirk: Really?
Brendon: Yeah, she could be like in a magazine or something!
Coach McGuirk: [intrigued] What, like a DIRTY mag?
Brendon: Uh, no. More like one of those model magazines.
Coach McGuirk: [disappointed] Oh.

On Personal Health

Brendon: “Hey, Coach, how are you doing?”
Coach McGuirk: “Well, I just drank pee. How are you doing?”

“So I got drunk, and I went into the parlor and said “Give me a picture of that cow on the cheese ‘cuz I love that cheese. Give me that cow on that cheese”. See this? That’s right it’s the bannana lady from the bannanas. I get drunk one night, and now my body looks like a grocery store. Dont get a tattoo. Play soccer.”

“This is your intervention, Brendon. Come on, people, intervene, I don’t really know how these things work. What are you looking at me for? That’s it. Intervention over. Brendon, get off the drugs.”

Coach McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old… This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.

Coach McGuirk: Brendon, I know something is going on.
Brendon: Nothing is going on, Coach McGuirk.
Coach McGuirk: Hey, I said something’s going on, now let me tell you a story, all right? About me. I once went astray myself.
Brendon: I am not astray.
Coach McGuirk: Shut up and listen, Brendon. And learn.
Brendon: Okay.
Coach McGuirk: Now when I was in college I went through some weird times…
Brendon: I didn’t know you went to college.
Coach McGuirk: A couple of days I did. Alright, and I ran with a gang. The gang was called the Feelgoods. It wasn’t the toughtest gang in the world… it was more like running with the cast of a broadway musical. Very annoying. Alot of freaky interpretive dance stuff – beads, makeup – in other words *drugs*, Brendon.
Brendon: Coach McGuirk, I am *not* doing drugs.
Coach McGuirk: You don’t remember the Feelgoods, Brendon?
Brendon: Am I…
Coach McGuirk: Huh?
Brendon: No!
Coach McGuirk: Is that it?
Brendon: What?
Coach McGuirk: Denial is the first sign that you’ve got a problem, Brendon.
Brendon: No it’s not. Denial is the first sign that I *don’t* have a problem. That’s why I’m denying it.
Coach McGuirk: That doesn’t work that way, Brendon. You can’t fool me with your logic. If you’re denying doing it that means you’re doing it.
Brendon: You mean like, uh, “He who smelt it dealt it”?
Coach McGuirk: I don’t know from poetry, Brendon. But if you’re doing drugs, you’re doing drugs and that’s bad.
Brendon: But I’m not doing anything.
Coach McGuirk: Well you’re doing this!
Brendon: [sigh] Mr. Freckles again?
Coach McGuirk: Hey, he who’s late cleans Mr. Freckle’s crap. Alright, bring it in!

Melissa Robbins: Coach McGuirk, what’s the matter? You don’t look so good. Are you on another bender?
Coach McGuirk: Where’d you learn that word, Melissa?
Melissa Robbins: From you.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, right.

Coach McGuirk: I can’t sleep, I have insomnia.
Melissa Robbins: What’s that?
Coach McGuirk: You don’t know what insomnia is?
Melissa Robbins: No.
Coach McGuirk: It’s when you can’t sleep.
Melissa Robbins: Did you try lying on your bed and, you know, having your eyes closed and just relaxing?
Coach McGuirk: Oh, that’s genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you’re saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you’re saying, Melissa? Good. ‘Cause it’s brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you’ll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep,
[shouts]
Coach McGuirk: is lie in your bed*!
Melissa Robbins: All right! Coach, I was just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: I’m sorry, Melissa, I didn’t mean to snap at you, all right? It’s just that I haven’t slept in four nights, all right? Then I’ve got you peeping in my ear about stretching.
Melissa Robbins: I’m just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: Like every other woman in my life!

Coach McGuirk: Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker.

Coach McGuirk: It tastes like pee turkey!

Coach McGuirk: Do you wanna know what a real rash is?
Brendon: No.
Coach McGuirk: I’ll tell you. You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that you go blind. That’s how bad it is. You blow up like a balloon, you look like a circus freak, you know what I’m talking about?
Brendon: No.
Coach McGuirk: Next thing you know, you’re in the circus, touring, making good money.
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: You know my life.

Coach McGuirk: Rashes come from bad hygiene, all right? So what you’ve gotta do, whenever you go to a public restroom, and you sit on a toilet seat, put the toilet seat cover down. And if they don’t have them there, manufacture one out of toilet paper, or your shirt, or your socks. Anything to cover the seat.

Coach McGuirk: Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I’m eating that there’s about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever’s on the TV, whatever’s in the paper. Then I walk outside and it’ll be a nice day. Well that’s great that’s a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I… you apparently can’t play music after 6:00 pm… in this country

On the Education of Children

Coach McGuirk: Life sucks, Brendon. That’s your lesson. Go enjoy it.

Coach McGuirk: I’ve been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia.
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: And South America, I haven’t been to there yet.

“Look at him out there, so small, so defenseless, he’s like a chipmunk, with a disease… who didn’t like that analogy?”

Clarice: Why is he calling you Coach McGuirk?
Coach McGuirk: I don’t know. He’s probably *retarded*

Coach McGuirk: Who wrote the Gettysburg Address?
Brendon: Nixon!
Coach McGuirk: That’s right!

Brendon: Coach, do you think I’m stupid?
Coach McGuirk: Of course you’re stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.

Coach McGuirk: Brendon, Melissa… Jason?
Melissa Robbins: Yeah?
Brendon: Yeah?
Coach McGuirk: Is that his name?
Melissa Robbins: Mmhmm.
Coach McGuirk: A tornado is coming.
Brendon: Coach, are you crying?
Coach McGuirk: No I’m not crying.
Melissa Robbins: Wait, Coach, a tornado is really coming?
Coach McGuirk: Yes, that’s what the radio said, “There’s a tornado coming.” So I’m going to stay down here with the baby; you guys go up stairs and play.
Melissa Robbins: Shouldn’t we stay down here with you…
Coach McGuirk: No. It’s not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado Melissa.
Melissa Robbins: But I thought you’re suppose to go…
Coach McGuirk: No! The rule is Melissa, you separate.
Melissa Robbins: Are you sure?
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone’s separated then it’s like a fun ride. But, if you’re all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die.

Coach McGuirk: Remember what I told you about Area 51.
Brendon: Yeah, it’s where they store the frozen bodies of the aliens that landed on earth.
Coach McGuirk: What about Area 52?
Brendon: It’s where they store the frozen bodies of the illegal aliens.
Coach McGuirk: Very good. It’s also a porn movie.

Coach McGuirk: Brendan, let’s get out of here.
Brendon: Why? I have to study…
Coach McGuirk: ‘Cause they’re not like us here. Brendan, we’re different, we’re not studiers. We’re not the worker ants. We’re the queens! You and me are the queen bees!

“I swear to god, I’m gonna come down hard on you on Monday. It’s gonna be like a friggin’ hurricane!”

“Anything too hard in life is never worth doing”.

“Are you trading on-line, Brendan? Are you? Because if you are, I want in on it…”

Poetry

“Something, something, something run. Something, something, something sun”

Coach McGuirk: [reading Fenton's birthday invite] “Jolly jeepers / Ain’t it great? / Fenton Mulley’s turning eight / Eat some ice-cream / Eat some cake / Jolly jeepers / Ain’t it great?” Wow. That’s awful.

Coach McGuirk: I’ll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I’ll race / To feel alive / And I’ll race / To feel like I own this place / And I’ll race until I die / And I’ll race against the other racers / And I’ll race with one big shout / And I’ll race against the clock / And I’ll race against myself / And I’ll race / And I’ll race!

Coach McGuirk: Uh, this is a poem I call “New York Times”. New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you’re better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.

On Law and Order

Coach McGuirk: Remember, You made someone do something bad with swords.

Coach McGuirk: Hey, My Swords are worth more than all these foods combined.
Clerk: Yes, But we do not accept swords.
Coach McGuirk: Why don’t you accept swords?
Clerk: Let me ask my manager.
[Picks up Phone]
Clerk: Uh Yeah, Leo? *mumbles* call the cops.

Judge: Brendon, is this your guardian?
Brendon: I don’t know.
Coach McGuirk: Uh, John McGuirk, Your Honor.
Judge: Have I seen you in court before?
Coach McGuirk: Yes, several times, but that’s not important, sir. What’s important is that my retarded nephew is innocent.
Brendon: I’m NOT retarded.
Coach McGuirk: Yes you are, Brendon, now shut up. Uh, Your Honor, during the day of the accident, Brendon was suffering from a severe bout of, uh, mentally challenged… stuff.
Brendon: What are you doing?
Coach McGuirk: Mistrial, Brendon. Also, Your Honor, uh, Brendon was suffering from dementia, which, uh, was passed down to him from… me.
Judge: Now, wait, now…
Coach McGuirk: I don’t even know where I am right now, Your Honor.
Brendon: I got hit… I was hit by a car!
Judge: Now, you were hit by a… r-right. S-so what are you telling me here?
Coach McGuirk: Well, that Brendon was hit by a car, and that… that it was, uh, his fault.
Brendon: You’d make a FANTASTIC lawyer.

Judge: What I’m doing is deciding an appropriate punishment. That’s the phase of the trial right now.
Coach McGuirk: Your honour, might I suggest a spanking – on his tush-tush?

Coach McGuirk: [Brendan is being sent to a "Scared Straight" prison program] I’ve been to the can a few times, Brendan. That’s what we call it, the can. So when you’re there, you call it the can, all right?
Brendon: What do you call cans in prison?
Coach McGuirk: You mean like actual cans? Like food – cans of food?
Brendon: Yeah.
Coach McGuirk: Those are still cans.

“No, I’m not going to leave you out here. If I do that, I’ll probably get fired, and then I’ll do something stupid, and then I’ll go back to jail”

“Well, fighting is bad to begin with, right? So if you’re going to fight, you’re already wrong. I mean, you’re already at the party, so why not fight dirty?”

“Brendon, you’re a smart kid. You’re not a strong kid, you’re not a tough kid, but you’re smart. Fighting is a mental thing, it’s like a mental game, so you should use that. Say, for instance, I was in a fight, I might say “look over there”, and when the guy does, I’ll hit him”

Coach McGuirk: “I was in a fight last week”
Brendon: “With who?”
Coach: “You know Roger?”
Brendon: “Roger? The guy who plays forward? He’s got kind of a big mouth”
Coach: “Well, not anymore”

On Interpersonal Relationships

“Y’know, Naturally I’m not an angry person; just – I hate people, I hate my job, and, I hate my mother – I dunno, work with that.”

Coach McGuirk: [drunkenly] So I said to her “You want it clean? HUH? You want it CLEAN? YOU CLEAN IT! CLEAN IT YOURSELF! CLEAN IT YOURSELF!”… and I haven’t spoken to my mother since.

“Well, the coffee maker was on the fritz….so I pushed it out the window…onto your car.”

I happened to catch a little of a band on the Late Late Show with Craig Furguson that I think has some real potential to actually be new and not suck. It is an exciting moment for me. In fact, I was so enthusiastic I actually went out and bought the Tally Hall album from itunes. I am still happy with the purchase.

They are a little bit pop, but in a good way. A pretty unique sound. Kind of like Space, and a few other things, but still a good sound, especially compared with everything else out and about. I think if you like the Squirrel Nut Zippers, you will like Tally hall. Not that they sound the same, it is more of a style thing.

They have a myspace page where you can listen to some of their stuff. Two Wuv is especially funny to me, but I like The Bidding more for quality.

I’m pretty sure knowing about one good band isn’t enough to make me hip again, but I’ll take all I can get.

Commander Plaza was up in town for a few days, and I am teaching him some stuff about Flash, what little I know, that is. We have also spent some time with TK who is in town for the next few months. It’s weird. Almost like I have friends again.

We think that it would be a good thing if we could get together for a few days with some of our other friends for a meeting of minds sort of thing. I used to think that this sort of hope was a little sad, like trying to relive the good old days, but now I think about it a little differently. There is a real advantage to the way we all think when we get together. Sure we are all childlike, but I think there is the potential for something great to come out of it. We tend to generate a specific dynamic, playing off each other and enhancing all possible ideas. Still, it is only a dream. The chance of getting everyone together just to come up with ideas, write, create and such is really unlikely. People have too much to do to gather together for something so abstract. In addition we would have to get them to come without their significant others, and this makes the whole proposition even more unlikely. We all like the others, but it would be distracting to the purpose of the gathering. Imagine the upside though, if we could get it together.

There might be a chance we will attempt to organize this for early next summer or something, so get your denials and excuses, or alternately your ideas for discussion, ready now.

Early plans for the forced partnership include a pop-up book. Send in your ideas and schematics.

I heard he had like thirty fucking dicks.