AllGuinness

As I approach impending parenthood, things begin to occur to me, mostly things about my plans for raising a child. As you might expect, this is an area of some concern. I know it seems to be a topic of paranoia on the news and in commercials. It seems that parents must control every aspect of a child’s existence or all types of maladies will befall them. I agree that the parents are responsible for many problems, but I think that some of the things that parents do to help are actually helping to cause some problems.

There are some aspects of my own upbringing that I would like to duplicate, and some that I would like to avoid. This is, I’m sure, true of almost everybody. The other thing that I’m sure of is that all of these plans are mere fantasies, and that they will probably last about a minute in real child raising situations. Still, it shouldn’t hurt to have some sort of plan going in.

1. Spending money. Everyone says how expensive having a child is, and I’m sure that there are considerable costs involved, but I also see a lot of waste when I look around. I think people vastly overspend on things like baby clothes and toys and equipment. We are months away and already starting to rack up clothes. How many clothes could we possibly need? There are, of course, many things that we will require. We can’t escape from the costs of diapers and food (hungry little monster), but I see no need to get so much extra equipment that will only be used for such a short time.

2. Baby proofing. This house is a hive of scum and villainy, full of deathtraps of all variety, and it will probably stay that way, at least for the most part. I’m not going to latch my toilets, or seal cabinets. There will probably not be cushions on the corners of all of the tables. We have a staircase that is far too wide to close with a baby gate. I am not planning on letting my baby march off to death either, though. There will be times when we will have to isolate it in a room that it can’t get out of. I will also be (of course) removing anything dangerous from the reach of the baby in cabinets and such. As far as the toilets and stairs go, the baby will have to learn not to fall in the toilet, or down the stairs. I never fell in the toilet, so I think there must be other ways of controlling this. The stairs could present some problem, but we’ll just have to remain vigilant until the child can navigate them on its own. I’m still up in the air about the outlet covers. It seems like and annoyance to me, and also likely that I would take them off and leave them on the floor creating a choking hazard that is far more risky than the chance of electric shock.

3. Television. I think people who have no television are freaks, and will raise little freaks. TV is like anything, it can be a help or a hindrance. The primary thing to ask is, “what are they watching?” I think most people think of this as controlling the amount of violence or sex, or bad language that the kid is viewing. I think that these questions are less relevant than the amount of crap. Let us start off with educational television for younger children. I like educational TV about as far as I can throw it. My view is that it is fine as long as the lesson to be learned is not yet known. Once a child knows numbers, relearning the number seven is not particularly productive. The trend in children’s television seems toward baby talking to the children. I would say that this is unique to the Wuggles, Barney, and the like, but if you look at Sesame Street today, it is not the street of old. Elmo and some of the newer CTW Muppets have taken over and it is all baby talk all the time. Still it is better than most. I think the important thing to ask is whether you think Barney or Bugs Bunny has more educational potential. I side with Bugs. Good writing shall rule the day. My view is that if you are old enough to listen and speak, you are old enough to watch Monty Python and Shakespeare. I did when I was a kid, and I am happy about that to this day. I also watched some children’s programming, and I think that there has to be a balance. As children get older, if you let them think American Idol is good enough to watch, you will damn them to a life of mediocrity, where they think Paris Hilton is cool. They will probably end up being rich investment bankers, but they will always be assholes.

4. Education. This is a problem area. I have always liked the public school system, but now the thought of sending a child into it is a little unappealing. Especially with the newer concept of no child left behind, and mainstreaming just about everyone. Pass the test! Pass the test! The test is our god! It is screwed up. But, what is the alternative? Private school? Pay money for an education that is at least as bad? This option is as unappealing. I also think that private schools tend to stunt social growth by providing overprotection. Home schooling is right out, though it has some appeal. Have you met some home schooled people? They tend toward wackiness. There are ways to handle this, but it requires a lot of work to introduce the child to social situations. The only think I can really plan on is to handle the intellectual growth of the child myself, as much as I am able. I will teach them as many things as I can, ranging from how to build things to history and whatever. Teach them to do any little thing I have learned to do. Cook, write HTML, whatever. To this end I am also working to learn more things, like to play guitar (no progress yet), and possibly pick up another language. All around people is what I hope to raise, and I hope to play a big part in it myself, instead of contracting out for those services, and hoping that it all comes out well.

5. Nutrition and fitness. It is true that I am a fat waste of humanity. I could blame McDonald’s, for I am sure that a large portion of my current fat stores come from the calories in their delicious Big Macs. Thing is, I can’t remember the last time someone from their establishment came by, brought some free food, and jammed it in my mouth. I always paid for the food, and jammed it in my own mouth (almost losing a finger on several occasions). I am an adult now, and it is my own fault. When I see little fat blobs of children, my reaction is similar, except that they can’t be held responsible for not being as aware. Their parents are to blame. The first step is to heal myself. If I am a fat load, it will be hard for me to be convincing when discussing nutrition. I need to take care of this situation, and in a hurry. Both Nutrition and fitness will come into play for me, much as it will for my offspring (just don’t tell it to the McDonald’s breakfast I had today. Yummy). I want to give the child a good foundation. What it does with its life later, I can’t control, but I can at least give it a chance to be healthy. Educating about the foundations of nutrition is key. There is almost no age that is too young for this. It is not enough to just feed good items, but it is good also to explain why these are good, and what is going on in the body with different types of food. Another intent is never (or rarely) to ask what the child wants to eat, or whether they like it. I think this is how you get a situation where the parent says, “He won’t eat anything but hot dogs.” I want to slap those parents. We are eating what we are eating. This will be hard to do, because it is almost automatic to ask if they like it or something. I will also try not to enforce a clean you plate rule. This will also be hard, as it is all I really know about eating. As to fitness, I hope to lead by example. This will involve a pretty dramatic change in my own life, but I think there is no way around it. If a child sees me lying in bed watching TV all the time, what are the chances they will live an active life? I will also encourage them to be involved in any sport or activity they want, but won’t force them to do a sport they don’t feel like doing. I will not just sign them up for soccer because everyone else is.

These are some of my basic plans. As I said, most of these will probably vaporize, but if they don’t, you can come back in fifteen or so years and say that my child is a neurotic, anti-social, nitwit, and that my plan was an obvious failure. Till then, I’ll see you at the PTA meetings.