AllGuinness

Some comments I didn’t want to lose from before the switch.

Comments on Viva Thanksgiving
From: The Lawyer

Are you going to have one of those sombrero-shaped chip and dip trays?

I think you should make something called “Dirty Sanchez Chocolate Pudding Surprise.” The way things are trending fecal-cacao is going to be the new kiwi-strawberry.

I also would like to suggest the messy but fun gravy pinata.

From: Guinness

I see the way you look at me Monolo The Lawyer. Why don’t you take me out?

This joke courtesy of Commander Plaza

From: Guinness

Fecal-cacao, kiwi-strawberry, and gravy pinata. That is so funny I was laughing out loud at my desk. And I don’t mean in the internet LOL way either.

Comments on Another Wedding
From: The Lawyer

Don’t be depressed. In response to your command, “buy me shit,” I finally pulled the trigger on your birthday gift. Unfortunately, it does not involve “poop” of any kind. It does, however, involve a DVD, so please refrain from purchasing any Asia-related ones this week. I’m quite satisfied with the purchase as it is one of my favorite movies and as it also appears on your extensive list on amazon.com.

Not long ago, I was at the Virgin Megastore and saw that some employee had put the Better Luck Tomorrow DVDs on the “International” display shelf. Hmmm. International, yet made by Americans and starring Americans. Fools.

Comments on Wheaties (2)
From: The Lawyer

I also like to go on drives. Driving was an adventure when I used to live in L.A. Just to purchase groceries, I would go through downtown, the poor neighborhood just west of DT(roughly from the 110 to Western Ave.), and through Hancock Park in order to reach the safety of the “Jewish Ralphs” on 3d and La Brea. Most of my treks were later at night so as to avoid the traffic. Have you ever noticed that lots of bad drivers seem to be driving in and around poorer neighborhoods? LA has bad drivers galore, but it seemed that I had to be extra cautious in certain areas. Anyway, this is an impression I formed while living in Sacramento, not in LA. That general Stockton Blvd.-Meadowview area seems to have a lot of bad drivers. My old roommate accused me of racism, but he has actually driven very little in his life. I accused him of racism for assuming right off that people of color live in poor neighborhoods. Justified or not, my conclusion applies to people of all ethnicities driving in poor neighborhoods.

I like to “mess with” bad motorists when I drive. For example, if I see some idiot dangerously tailgating a law-abiding motorist, I will change lanes and dangerously tailgate the idiot. I also like to block off those who insist on speeding through the slow lanes to pass traffic. However, I do make exceptions, especially if there is a slowpoke blocking the fast lane. If someone who can’t steer encroaches into my lane, I move closer to them until we’re door handle to door handle, making sure to remain in my own lane. I will refuse to let people cut in front of me if I think they are trying to cut a line of cars (where 110N meets I-5N in Downtown LA, for those who know). One of my friends suggested that my tactics made things more dangerous. I explained that I saw myself as a sort of blacktop Bronson (RIP)–the freeway version of the hero in the Death Wish movies. Generally, I try to put myself in a position where if an accident were to occur, I would be in the right. This makes it dangerous to tailgate offending drivers though. Of course, I always try to be a courteous driver to those who show courtesy when driving. I thank drivers for their courtesy with a wave of the hand or a toot of my horn.

My parents have urged me to stop my “antics” because I may be shot by one of those rude or reckless drivers. This is a possibility, and that is why I pick and choose my auto duels. Fat, shaved headed white guy in a giant pick-up with Stars and Bars displayed? Leave him be. Reckless, red-light running suburban parent in a Saab station wagon? Bring ‘em on, baby.

Comments on Big D
From: The Lawyer

Excellent synopsis of our romp through Big D. One more word to add: BRISKET. Thank you for the props regarding my speech/toast. 3 glasses of wine sure did help. Thank God I didn’t mention “poop” in my toast, though I did sneak in the “suffering.” The french toast place is called Cafe Brazil–and, yes, the FT was delish, thought not quite as tasty as that one dish I really wanted to try at the wedding. Now, I shall move to Dallas and become a photographer’s apprentice. Either that or move to Dallas to exclusively represent female photographers in sexual harrassment/stalking cases. I shall then promptly petition the court to be plaintiff’s counsel while also being the defendant.
From: The Lawyer

I want to make a correction to my first comment, aside from the extra “t” that some people surely caught. Only upon a rereading of the Big D entry did I realize that brisket was already mentioned. Therefore, my new additional word would be “BIZARRO.” By my count, at the wedding there were at least 3 bizarro versions of people I know. If we all drove in a Cadillac DeVille, they likely came in a Buick Park Avenue. Fortunately, Bendon Lee, bizarro The Lawyer, was nowhere to be found. Some individuals and their bizarro versions even sat in the same pew at church. Finally, for those who clicked on the Bob Saget link, you should know that the pastor’s hairstyle in the picture is not the same as it was at the wedding. He now wears his hair in that Bob Saget style–something like a blow-dried Tarzan look.

Comments on Happy, Happy Birthday Baby
From: The Lawyer

I would have sent something to you earlier in the morning, but with a mandatory case discussion meeting and MCLE stuff…you know. I think we’ll get the Caddy in Big D, but just keep in mind that the rent-a-car site indicated “Cadillac Deville, Lincoln Town Car, or similar.” In other words, we just might get the Exxon Valdez but with the chandeliers on the sides like the Isaac “Duke of New York” Hayes’ Caddy in Escape from NY. I’ll see about the side-mounted tires and a padded roof.

My flight is at 6:25, which means that I will be depriving you of 20 minutes of valuable sleep when I pick you up. When your alarm clock is going off before 5 a.m., the value of each additional minute rises exponentially. Anyway, Shubh Deepavali and Happy Birthday to you.

“Lost in Translation” reminded me of why I enjoy hotel bars so much as opposed to loud, raucous pits where I have to try and talk/scream to other people while someone else’s wet, greasy, ripe-smelling armpit is pressed in my face. Although, admittedly, there are many great things to view in those more boisterous bars. Actually, I more enjoy hotel bars in Asia where the “scenery” is usually better than in hotel bars here. Which Tokyo hotel was that filmed at anyway?